Goodness and light is under assault in our fair city. For a number of years now a mysterious coterie of young ladies — well they used to be young — have been seen around and about town doing good deeds, helping to raise money for good causes and bring joy wherever they appear. They are know as the Sugar Plump Fairies. They hide their true identities behind liberal amounts of face glitter, fake eyelashes the size of window shutters and fairy garmenture. They are truly a sight to behold. So much for goodness and light. Now make way for darkness and despair. Enter the Time Traveler. Several weeks ago the city council OK’d a mural to be painted on the wall of the Chamber of Commerce building in Central Square to recognize their good works. It was a three-panel painting all modeled by the Sugar Plump Fairy Lemon Drop. The mural was painted by world famous oil artist Frank Ordaz and was fully endorsed by the Time Traveler. The reason he endorsed it was because, considering his long association with Frank and the number of paintings Frank has done of him, the Traveler got it into his twisted little brain that the center panel would be of him. When he finally sobered up the next morning and realized he wasn’t represented he was furious. Hell hath no fury like a traveler scorned. He swore vengeance on the Sugar Plump Fairies for this imagined slight. The very next week Frank was to demonstrate his artistic skills at a Matt Spokely for City Council fundraiser and the Traveler got to him somehow and coerced Frank into painting the Traveler as a Sugar Plump Fairy complete with flamingo glasses. “I’ll show those little glass slipper-clad pixies a thing or two,” he said bitterly. “Those ladies need some supervision. I’m going to set myself up as a Sugar Plump Fairy King using that picture as leverage.”
The very next morning the Traveler and his crew raced over to the Ordaz Gallery to retrieve the painting but too late. Three Fairies, Lemon Drop, Laveyda Lipshitz and her majesty Franny LaLa were seen flitting away carrying a wrapped package and leaving a trail of glitter. Since then the Traveler and his sinister crew has been seen cruising slowly through town looking for the Fairy’s secret hideout in their 1923 Hupmobile. Bloody Parrot was at the wheel and next to him the Time Traveler checking out the side streets. Our disbarred attorneys Norris P. Thermadore III and Harley Ridgecracker were in back engaged in a slap-fight and bickering over something or another. In the rumble seat the Portuguese Pirate was sound asleep. Since his knee replacement he has largely been sound asleep or unconscious or both. Next to him sat Madam Kahli, the gang’s spiritual and financial advising gypsy palm reader smoking a big black cigar with Nigel, Bloody Parrot’s younger cousin perched on her shoulder. If they were smarter they would follow the trail of sparkle down the alley next to Tre Pazzi Trattoria. The trail ends at the side door to the basement. Could Gary Capps be providing cover for the girls secret Fairy cave?
Who the heck is this A. Nonomous character and what is he or she doing in our column? One thing’s for sure, when I find out where they’re hiding out I’m going to expose their real identities and then our gang the Sour Dough Sad Sacks are gonna run this town.
Well as usual Time Traveler is disconnected from reality. I sent Mr. Turner down to Traveler’s house to rummage around to find his part of the column. He found it, and after I scraped off the SpaghettiOs and dried on Lucky Charms, he wrote that he noticed I’ve been asleep a lot with my knee issues. I fooled him. You might ask why I want Traveler to think I’m asleep. It’s pretty simple, we live just two parcels apart out in the Gold Hill area of Newcastle, if he thinks I’m asleep, he doesn’t come and pester me like a gnat and I can stay caught up on all the gossip and get my part of this column done. Enough said about that, on with my view. Well I have to say the only reason Traveler can get the nutty bunch together (not what I would call a gang, Capone would have laughed at them and then ordered cement) is when he bribes them with sunflower seeds and Café Delicia’s bean burritos. Once they realized Traveler was obsessed with wanting to be a fairy king, they knew he was doomed to wander aimlessly for days looking and looking for the fairy den, that’s when they bailed on him, but it was too late, they’ve all sniffed the fairy dust and all have gone fairy crazy. Nigel, Bloody Parrot’s cousin is sitting on the top of the building across the street from the mural of Lemon Drop, from what apparently stems out of their fateful meeting at the unveiling, it has caused a coup de foudre for Nigel (Lemon Drop has gone into hiding). Nigel had Liberty Tattoo, tattoo Lemon Drop on his chest, crazy darn bird. Bloody Parrot and Mr. Turner approached LaLa-Her Majesty, Lorelei, Laveyda Lipchitz, Luscious, and several other beautiful fairies for the patent rights to the fairy dust. Of course, when the Norris P Thermador III and Harley Ridgecracker found out they of course showed up with contracts. It’s all gone a bit insane since Frank Ordaz painted the mural, I understand him and his wife have gone into hiding because of all the autograph seekers hounding him. I just can’t believe what the Traveler has started because of his quest to be king. Never let him be king, never. His ego is so big now, Mike LaVigne at Depoe Bay Coffee Roasters has to bring Travelers coffee outside to him because his heads gotten so fat he can’t get through the front door. Janice and I are now having to put Mr. Turner into doggy counseling because of that daggum parrot, we will be putting up a “GoFundMe” site to help with the costs of his therapist, Dr. Thornwall P. Dudenburg.
Constitutions available at … Nancy’s Café, Frank Ordaz Gallery, Uptown Signs, Auburn’s Century 21 Real Estate office. Speaking of the Constitution, our guest on Saturday, Oct. 13, will be Norman A. Gonzales, director of outreach and compliance at John Adams Academy. Be sure to tune in to our radio show “The Newcastle Television Show“ at 10 a.m. every Saturday at KAHI 104.5 FM or 950 AM on your radio dial. You can also podcast it at Kahi.com anytime.
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” —Groucho Marx