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Another View: ‘Bogus’ stories about sinkholes and retreats

By: Robin Enos & John Downs
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Portuguese Pirate:

I’m covering Newcastle events in absentia for this week’s column while at a retreat for rest and relaxation. Two years of having to deal with The Time Traveler has taken its toll but I stay informed. According to Sunday’s Auburn Journal a fifteen-foot sinkhole appeared in the Carol’s Market parking lot nearly swallowing her commercial barbecue and sometime this week CalTrans is going to investigate the cause. No matter what they say, John Mattis, the man who knows all-sees all gave me the straight story. According to John, when Chris Ferreira of Sierra Safety went over to pull the barbecue out of harms way he noticed movement in the bottom of the hole. On further inspection he found The Time Traveler completely covered in mud gnawing on a pork rib. As it turns out The Traveler thought the storm drain in the parking lot was the entrance to an abandoned mine shaft and thought he could get rich quick. If that man could scrape three wits into a pile he would still be a half-wit.

 

Time Traveler:

Completely bogus story! And anyway I was going to pay the owner, Tracy Ballard for the rib. Speaking of bogus stories, that claim the Pirate is at a retreat? Hah! When the Pirate disappeared a week or so ago I checked the usual places, the hospitals, jails and institutions for the criminally insane but to no avail. Then I heard he and Bloody Parrot were seen at the Portland airport draped in white frocks, singing the Hare Krishna mantra, selling books and trying to pass themselves off as Bhaktivedauta Swarmi and his loyal disciple. If the Krishnas think they’re getting something out of this I have news. Bloody Parrot was an ‘only-bird.’ He doesn’t share well. I’m going to stay out of Newcastle until Tracy cools off. So I’ll mention some disturbing events in Auburn. As most of you may know, I attend a meeting every weekday morning at Depoe Bay Coffee of a group of local business people known as The Babblers. Our meeting is held around a trashcan in the parking lot. That should give you some indication of the nature of our discussions. I personally believe these meeting have more influence on our community than the Meddlers meeting every Tuesday in the Rose Room at city hall, the City Council and indeed the Supervisors’ meetings. The group is made up largely of blowhards and know-it-alls, ustawazzes and wannabes with one possible exception who is actually suave, urbane and well informed but for obvious reasons, Dean Howell of Coldwell Banker Real Estate wished not to be identified. The rules for the meetings are quite simple. One member is flapping his lips and the remainder are wishing he or she would shut the hell up so they could talk.

Last week we had a bit of a scare. One of the Babblers, Jerry Kopp of Uptown Signs went to the hospital for a procedure and didn’t come back. Well, for four days anyhow. Concerned we appointed Vance Sauter of Golden Triangle Publications to investigate. We chose Vance because he was the only one with medical experience. Several years ago he binge-watched a 75 episode TV marathon of Young Dr. Kildare back-to-back. He found Jerry sitting in his garage vacantly staring at a blank TV screen. As best as we can determine Jerry checked in for a minor hemorrhoid operation and when he woke up he was suffering total amnesia. Now, we aren’t sure whether the amnesia was caused by the anesthesia or by the proximity of the operation that is dangerously close to where Jerry keeps his head most of the time. Last Friday I was encouraged that Jerry had found his way to Depoe Bay Coffee. He was seated at a table with Rosalie Wohlfromm standing behind him giving him a neck and shoulder message. Susan Rushton was hand-feeding him donuts while trying to convince him that he’s a democrat and always been a democrat. Poor Jerry.

Anyway, that’s all I got. We had a Newcastle Community Association meeting last Monday but it hasn’t happened yet so I’ve nothing report. This time-traveling stuff is so confusing. We have NCA meetings the first Monday of every month at Antuzzi’s Inn at 6 PM and Fireboard meetings the second Wednesday at 6 PM at Image Pathways.