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Another View: Traveler kicked out of ballet class

By: Robin Enos & John Downs
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Time Traveler:

Generally speaking we have been told by our readers they enjoy and look forward to our columns. We try to be somewhat informative, mildly amusing but mostly just come across as a half-bubble off of center. I would like to say this would be one of our best columns — not so much. I just got my PG&E bill for my home and Time Traveler Home Consignments in Newcastle — both of which have doubled — and my hair stylist Victoria at the Fox & Vixen Hair Salon in Marshall Square eighty-sixed me. She claims I’m giving her place a bad name and my cat did its business in my sock drawer. In short, I’m in a vile mood.

I understand The Portuguese Pirate has returned. Claims he has been on a quest for self-discovery, says he was trying to find himself. I hope he was successful. I’d like to meet him sometime. In any event he can finish this column, otherwise I’ll just throw some names in and call it done. The truth is most people only read a column to see if their name is in print, otherwise they wouldn’t bother. So Susan Rushton, you can stop reading now ‘cuz you ain’t in this column.

Portuguese Pirate:

If I had known there was going to be all this whining I’d have taken violin lessons. When I arrived in town several days ago I found the Traveler sitting on the curb across from the Marshall Square gazebo on Main Street looking like he’d lost his last friend, assuming he ever had one. “Why so down?” I inquired. It turns out that a new business has opened up on Main Street named The Enlightened Studio owned by Cecelia Neff. Cecelia teaches ballet and has pilates classes. When the Traveler saw a poster announcing ballet auditions he figured that there had to be some ballerinas around somewhere so he stumbled through the door and asked if he could audition as a ballerino. Cecelia, being the nice person that she is and not yet realizing what she was up against, said she always has room for a male dancer and the Traveler should get a dancing outfit then return. The Traveler went home, searched his place top to bottom but couldn’t find any men’s tights. But then he noticed a pair of red long johns that were several sizes too small he had tacked over his bathroom window as a curtain. Wearing his long johns and a black and yellow checked vest he showed up at dance class… poor Cecelia.

I try to block the mental image of this scrawny Don Quixote character cavorting and doing pirouettes around the dance floor and hope to the great God Almighty that the Traveler had all the buttons to his butt-flap fastened. As I understand it, the reason he got bounced out of class was the girls found the sound of his toenails clicking on the hardwood floor too distracting. In an attempt to cheer up the old fool I sent him down to Liberty Art & Ink owned by Bill and Lori Liberty. They are in the Davis building across from the Newcastle Post Office. They do tattoo art, paintings and steampunk, whatever that is. The reason I sent him down there is I think Bill is as nutty as he is. Bill has been working on a time travel machine he expects to finish in several years. Bill took one look at the Traveler and knew right away he was looking at another time traveler, as we can all smell our own kind.

Almost immediately Bill set out to get the Traveler to invest in his machine. He claimed the way the Traveler goes through time is too risky, like taking a road trip without a map, you never know where you’re going to wind up. “Think about it” he warned, “you could meet yourself coming or going, and the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that could unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum and destroy the entire universe.” Well that scared hell out of the Traveler. The last I saw of them they were in the back room deep in conversation but if Bill thinks he’s going to squeeze a penny out of that old skinflint he’s got another thing coming.

On another subject I’d like to thank Larry Marlette of Paradise Signs on Taylor Road in Newcastle for making the business signs we ordered to hang from the Marshall Square gazebo. They look great! I took Bloody Parrot down to help pick up the signs and forgot Larry has a parrot too. I thought it was going to get ugly. There was more circling, feather fluffing and evil eyeing going on than a Democrat presidential convention. I warned Bloody Parrot that Larry’s bird looked downright mean. He has an eye patch and a peg leg. Bloody Parrot responded “I’d be more afeard of the bloke wot chopped off his claw and poked his eye out.” Anyway, I guess they worked it all out. They have been seen drinking grog and sharing peanuts at a corner table in Champs Bar on Taylor Road and Highway 193.

One last thing. If you live in our neck of the woods do not miss the Newcastle Fireboard meetings the second Wednesday of every month to get an update on the new firehouse. Also the Newcastle Community meetings are the first Monday of the month where the Time Traveler will autograph anything. Boy, he does love himself!