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Robin and the Time Traveler

Another View: Newcastle Days better than ever

By: Robin Enos and John Downs/ Guest Columnists
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   Time Traveler:
   As most of you know by now, the Newcastle Television Show is back on the radio at 10 a.m. Saturdays on AM950 KAHI. This was mostly the Pirate’s idea but I agreed and we went down to sign a year’s contract and then and only then does he inform me that he’s going on a trip and will be back in five to seven weeks. In short, the man dropped me like spit off a bridge. If there is anyone less qualified to sit in a radio station with all the buttons, dials and allowing for commercial breaks I don’t know whom it might be. I have to call my kids for advice when I want to turn up the volume on my television.
   In all charity and fairness to the Pirate I must say, with complete honesty and respect at this moment I consider him to be the most base, scrubby, despicable, treacherous, perfidious, shifty, double-dealing, isocratic snake in the grass I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter. There! Now I feel better. So where is that bum now?   The last I heard he was in Albuquerque at a Gathering of Nations Pow-Wow hosting over 700 Native American tribes from North America and Mexico gathering for an annual event. I hear there are 3,000 dancers. I hope when he goes up to dance they figure out he’s a Portuguese fraud and they toss him out on his ear. He claims he’s trying to reconnect with his native heritage but unless there is a tribe in the Azores I haven’t heard about, the man is no Indian. The Portuguese Hall in Newcastle should disown him.
   It’s too bad he’s going to miss the Newcastle yearly May celebration. This year looks to be bigger and better than ever. The theme for this year is Newcastle Days ~ Fresh & Local. Come join us from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Sunday, May 21, and experience the rich agricultural heritage of Newcastle right in Marshall Square. There’s something there for the entire family. We have events for the children, beer plus wine tasting for the adults at Antuzzi’s Newcastle Inn; Carol’s Market providing food and drinks; Miller Honey has donated honey to be raffled off; and Legacy Propane has donated a gas barbecue and propane. Music? We got music with world-renown singer    John Dufour performing. Suzie Brown and her Blue Grass Girls will be entertaining and so will the Newcastle Elementary School Choir. Enlighten Me will have several girls showing off their ballet skills. Yup, we got stuff going on.
   The Newcastle Community Association board — in a moment of madness — decided to appoint me to be the Master of Ceremonies for the event. I suffer from stage fright so I asked them to put someone on the stage with me to divert attention a little so I recommended a cute little number in sequined hot pants. My Lord they all looked at me like I was an earwig that dropped in their Cheerios. “This is a family event,” they shrieked. Considering Auburn’s rodeo last week they thought a rodeo queen might be more appropriate. Well, OK … but I hope they don’t get Miss Ida Mae Hopkins from 1959. All in all, we have a great community event in the making.
   I’ve noticed in the past several years more and more of Auburn’s dignitaries have been showing up trying to act nonchalant. I’ve seen former mayors Bill Kirby, Keith Nesbitt and Mike Holmes lurking around at our events. I think they are worried, very worried. For years the Pirate has referred to Newcastle as the capital of Auburn and we have tried several times to invade Auburn but have been defeated time and again at the walls of Ophir by Monroe “Mad Dog” DeJarnette!
   I have come to believe that we have approached this plan from the wrong direction. I have heard for years that there is some question as to how Auburn became the county seat so I sent Bloody Parrot out to investigate and, by golly boys and girls, it’s true. Auburn became the county seat through ballot box stuffing, bribery and whiskey.  Let me ‘splain. In 1850 when Auburn was in Sutter County — Placer County came later — there was a lot of competition as to where the county seat should be located. Towns like Marysville, Ophir, Ground Hogs Glory and many others fought to be named. Finally an election was called and voting was held at Walkup & Wyman’s Mercantile store. Free whiskey was offered as an incentive to come and vote and come they did. Every miner, saddle tramp, bindlestiff and near-do-well came from as far away as Coloma, which was outside the county’s boundary to vote. They voted, got drunk and voted again. Some even voted for their horses. Auburn became the county seat through unfettered fraud and the losers were too liquored up to protest.
   I have engaged disbarred attorneys Noriss P. Thermadore III and Harley Ridgecracker to take the matter to court, declare Auburn’s election illegal and have Newcastle named as county seat. If we can’t take them militarily we’ll take them in court.
   But wait! In reading the paper  I see Auburn is struggling with unfunded liabilities, increased costs and ca-ca roads.
   Maybe we don’t want Auburn at all. I’m beginning to think we should build a wall, a great, big, beautiful wall and who’s going to pay for that magnificent wall? Ophir is absolutely going to pay for that wall. My work here is done.