Robin & The Time Traveler

Another View: New home will help make ACTV shine

By: Robin Enos & John Downs
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Time Traveler:

As our readers know, The Portuguese Pirate returned after his five-week Discover America Tour. Leastways that’s what he calls it. From what I hear “crime spree” may be a more apt description. I realize the stories of The Pirate and his wife Janice being chased across two states by Johnny Law are unsubstantiated. But I noticed upon returning home he immediately parked the humvee in his barn, stacked hay all on, around and over it, then went out and promptly bought a brand new Chevy truck … Hmmm?

The Pirate only stayed home for a week and is now on the road to SoCal for his grandson’s graduation. Thank God he took Bloody Parrot with him, and just in time. I allowed that bird stay at my house while I worked on the Pirate’s place. When I got home I found all my furniture out in the front yard replaced by stuff from Williams-Sonoma—charged in my name—then gets my daughter-in-law, Michelle Downs, manager of Time Traveler Home Consignments to donate a plethora of plastic plants and trees to set up all over my place. He told her it was my idea to make him feel more at home. Wait, there’s more! He gets online and has Trader Joe’s deliver some specialty foods, again on my dime and cons some model railroad enthusiast into installing a Lionel train set through the house so that damn bird wouldn’t have to get off his lazy butt to go from the TV to the refrigerator. My living room looks like a jungle ride at Disneyland.

Oh wait, I forgot! The Pirate’s attorney Harley Ridgecracker got into some kind of a financial dispute with some guy named Guido AKA The Kneecapper and asked the parrot if he could hideout, err, stay for a while. Of course that idiot bird said yes so Ridgecracker and a chick named Squirrel Tooth Alice shacked up at my place for a while. Alice probably got that name ‘cause she is so buck-toothed I would bet she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. In any event it took a week to sweep out the feathers, send stuff back, cancel the girlie magazine subscriptions and tell the poor train guy that he wasn’t going on television and be rich or famous. Bloody Parrot said he just did it because he was depressed. I’ll depress the little *&%^$ when he gets back.

Our readers may have noticed The Pirate hung around just long enough last week to raise all manners of hell over how the Newcastle Fire Department is being run. The column ran a little long so our usual Sunday column didn’t appear until Tuesday, June 7 but it might be a good idea for Newcastlites to get online or go through the trash and read that column, especially Castle City residents since the Newcastle Firehouse is right around the corner and Penryn ain’t. Nuff said.

On a more positive note Susan Rushton and I along with a number of other locals that have shows airing on Auburn Community Television were invited to tour Atwood Video Productions, ACTV’s new home. Sha zam! Sha zam! This new TV studio makes our old studio look like the Our Gang clubhouse without Spanky and Alfalfa. They have actual, real first-class cameras. The museum pieces we had at the old place were still hand cranked and probably used to film Charlie Chaplin’s classic 1925 film The Gold Rush. All the special equipment has so many buttons and dials I just walked away from it. My 19th century mentality does not blend well with 21st century technology. Near as I can get, is my dad’s 1936 Underwood typewriter—the ‘L’ sticks—but all I have to do is reach up and pull it back, no problem. Too bad The Pirate was unable to attend. I called and told him with equipment like this and our talent we are going to be bigger than Johnny Carson. The Pirate is quick to remind me that I am second banana; Ed McMahon to his Johnny. Well I got news. The Pirate has all the brains but I have the pretty face. There is still some construction being done but we should start producing shows in a few weeks and perhaps more people from our community will be interested in a producing a show of their very own.

I got a chance to talk to several people who have shows of their own; Susan Rushton of course, who has a show and writes a column for the Auburn Journal I think, at least when she’s not lurking around town sneaking up behind people with a pen and note pad. I also talked briefly to Dr. Erich Parks who hosts the bi-weekly “Health Matters” show. I tried to get some free medical advise about my prostate and when he said he was a chiropractor I said “So what! You’re a doctor ain’t yaz?” I have to say his bedside manner left a little to be desired after that exchange. Anyhow, keep an eye on this column and we will give you times and dates of the all-new Newcastle TV Show.