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Another View: Getting directions to Newcastle ...

By: Robin & The Time Traveler
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Portuguese Pirate:
Well, that dumb Finn has done it this time. Just because the Traveler is tired of writing about The Bloody Parrot he murders him with a swipe of his magic-rub eraser. I have to ask, does the Traveler really think we can continue to write this column without the misadventures of MY bird? That little fella never hurt anyone. As the Traveler’s favorite writer O Henry would say; “That bird was gifted with a natural talent for crime but not yet contaminated by success.” Kind of like watching a Wiley Coyote cartoon. What are we supposed to do now, write about real news stuff? Paleeze, gag me with a doubloon.
 
Time Traveler:
Hell yes we’re supposed to cover real items of interest. If memory serves, we were asked by the Auburn Journal to write a column for and about Newcastle almost three years ago and look at us. We are reduced to writing about a 280-year-old talking, flimflamming parrot. It’s about time we got back to doing what we were sworn to do. That bird is gone and he’s going to stay gone.
 
Portuguese Pirate:
Alrighty then! Let’s write about Newcastle … even though there’s nothing — nothing. Newcastle doesn’t have a mayor, a city council, a police department, a chief of police or a sanitation department, ergo no graft or corruption to speak of excepting that all night, smoke filled, card room going on in the back of Time Traveler Home Consignments. But I’ve sworn not to talk about that. We can’t even have a Butt Lady … we got nothing. People who live in town can’t find us on a map. Even Siri doesn’t know where Newcastle is. I asked my GPS for directions to Newcastle and it answered sardonically; “I’m sorry, I don’t have enough information to complete your request. Besides, why would anyone want to go to Newcastle?” And I was sitting right at the end of my driveway!
 
Time Traveler:
We may not have a city council but we have the Newcastle Community Association, which incidentally is holding its annual meeting at Gold Hill Gardens thanks to Mike and Cindy Carson at 2325 Gold Hill Road, from 4 to 7 p.m. Sunday, August 20. This is the most important meeting of the year as it’s for purposes of electing officers and board members. Regular meetings are on the first Monday of every month at Antuzzi’s Newcastle Inn. Everyone in our community is welcome and for those wishing to attend our annual meeting are advised that we are gathering poolside so bring some swimming stuff. A barbecue is provided but folks with last name starting A-K please bring dessert, L-Z bring salad. And it’s very important to contact Tina Laurer at TLAUR.NCA@gmail.com to let us know how many are coming. Another thing we have is a danged-fine Fire Department and we would like to thank our retiring chief Ian Gow and welcome our new chief Kirk Kushen. Also on August 16th the Newcastle Fire Board has a very important meeting in regards to our new firehouse. For years, progress has been slowed by concerns over the endangered weeds — AKA cottonwoods — at the construction site and the claims that Indian artifacts may be buried around there somewhere. I have news; Highway 80 dispensed with any existence of artifacts. I feel confident that fire board members Eric Sprouse, Joannie Elder, Lawrence Bettencourt, Bill Kahrl and Robin Enos who doubles as the Portuguese Pirate will push us over the top. The meeting is at 6 p.m. at Image Pathways right in Marshal Square.
 
Portuguese Pirate:
Maybe we can get started as soon as the Traveler quits digging around looking for his Finnish family plot. Now back to my main concern, what happened to my beloved parrot? I am willing to offer a sizable reward for information leading to the whereabouts of my little buddy. I have in my possession a large collection of game tokens Bloody Parrot snookered a couple of six-year-olds out of at a Chucky Cheese. Poor little innocents never heard of a shell game or three-card monte. He didn’t think of it as a con, more like reducing surplus. Find my bird and the whole collection is yours. One more thing; we would like to thank Jerry Kopp of Uptown Signs for joining our enthusiastic sponsors of The Newcastle Television Show on AM950 KAHI heard at 10 a.m. every Saturday. Now we just got to catch up with him and get that check. See you on the radio.