Another View: He hangs his picture everywhere and doesn’t even ask

By: Robin Enos & John Downs
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Portuguese Pirate:

I have to write this quickly before the Time Traveler gets back. On my way home from Newcastle, the Capital of Auburn, I saw the Traveler pushing a baby buggy up Highway 193 with The Bloody Parrot kicked back in it wearing a baby’s bonnet, scarfing down some melba toast. Only the great God almighty knows what these two are up to this time but he ain’t talking and I don’t want to know.

As most people know, the Traveler is the most shameless self-loving, self-aggrandizing, puffed-up blowhard that God ever suffered to scuttle the face of the earth with. The man is Auburn’s male version of Paris Hilton or maybe George Hamilton. He’s made himself famous for doing nothing. He can’t sing, dance, act or play the harmonica and besides he has terrible table manners. But he manages to get his picture hung up all over town.

The Time Traveler Home Consignment store in Newcastle is littered with paintings of him painted by world famous local artist Frank Ordaz. He even has a museum there dedicated to the life and times of himself. Years ago he walked into the Edelweiss Restaurant on High Street and hung a picture of himself on the wall. Didn’t ask, just did it. Then later placed a statue of himself on a shelf. Didn’t ask, just did it. Even Steve and Cathy of Shoe Fix next door have a statue. Just when I thought this gasbag had reached the pinnacle of his ability to annoy people while promoting himself, I find the crazy old Finn has struck again. Nancy Haddad and her daughter Jen who for years have been associated with the Edelweiss have decided to open their own place appropriately called Nancy’s Cafe in Elm Plaza across from Savemart. Now while Nancy has a soft spot in her heart for the old fool, Jen view The Traveler as the bane of her very existence and given carte blanche to decorate, she gave explicit orders: no Time Traveler pictures.

While Nancy felt odd waiting table without the Traveler hanging around somewhere, Jen did her best to keep him out. She painted the place in soft pastels and decorated the wall with pop-culture watercolors, even going so far as to hang a painting Bill Nye, The Science Guy near the door. Figuring, I guess that The Traveler wouldn’t be able to walk past it. Kind of like hanging garlic on the door to keep out vampires. It nearly worked, but then, miracle of miracles a picture appeared right behind the cash register. Troy Tate, local artist and man about town, painted it. The painting was done from a photograph showing The Traveler next to his brand new 1905 Harley Davidson. Apparently he was at Phil “Frenchy” Broullettes motorcycle and butcher shop in Mina, Nevada where he had just traded in his horse for the newest thing. Said he was tired of riding a fifteen hundred pound animal with a brain the size of a walnut. It should have worked; they were pretty well matched up brainwise. I don’t know how the hell The Traveler snookered Troy out of that painting or how he got it in the store but Jen has had enough. He showed up the day before yesterday with two votive candles to place on either side of the picture and she met him at the door with a fire extinguisher. He should be all right when his lungs clear out.

Time Traveler:

Hey Pirate! Just remember those famous words “He who tooteth not his own horn get not his horn tooteth.” That’s from the Bible, maybe Shakespeare, could have been Hunter Thompson … . Anyway it was somebody and truer words was never spoke. Take a look at yourself Pirate, you ain’t any paragon of virtue your ownself. While you’re out there pretending to help Mike Holmes make Auburn a sister city to some place in China to improve tourism or something you have been working with “Bull Dog” Johnson at Century 21 in Old Town to sell Newcastle’s Marshall Square to the Taiwanese. Do you think just because the Mandarin Festival has moved to Auburn you can turn Newcastle into a garment center for cheap shirts? Give me a break! One more thing. Jerry Kopp of Uptown Signs told everyone at Depoe Bay he was tired of the Bloody Parrot schtick. Said it was wearing thin. He’s probably ticked off because his name hasn’t been in the column lately.  Happy now Kopp? Anyway, I’m done. I’ve had enough abuse for the week.

Transcribers Note: The only place I haven’t seen a picture of The Traveler is the Post Office; so there’s that.