Another View: Planning to put Newcastle on the map

By: Robin Enos & John Downs
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Portuguese Pirate:


I have just returned from a three-week sabbatical at a spiritual retreat in Northern Oregon and wouldn’t you know it, everything went to hell while I was gone. The Time Traveler has decided to skip town for a while for his own good. In my absence he got into a storm drain on Taylor Road next to Carol’s Market & Deli in Newcastle thinking it was an old abandoned mine, started tunneling and collapsed a portion of the parking lot. The sinkhole very nearly swallowed Tracy Ballard’s commercial barbecue. I am deeply saddened to report the tragic loss of 25 pounds of innocent pork ribs that went down the hole and never knew what happened. Needless to say Tracy and many of her early morning customers are anxious to talk to the Traveler. I’ve noticed a sharp increase in hemp rope sales at True Value Hardware on Nevada Street. That makes me wonder if there is some connection.

You might think the old goat could not get any dumber but in our last column the Traveler outdid himself. In print, for all of Auburn to read, he reported the details of a minor surgery that Jerry Kopp of Uptown Signs & Graphics may or may not have had done recently. But to add insult to injury, in addition to revealing Jerry’s back story he implied that Jerry might suffer from a malady that many people in today’s world seem to suffer from. In the medical community it is known as cranial anal inversion. Let it suffice to say that Jerry is not pleased and has challenged the Traveler to a high-noon duel as soon as the old coot shows up.

I am in continuous contact with him through my courier parrot because the Traveler and I are working on a plan to make Newcastle a national news story and he’s the only one nutty enough to try it. In the meantime he is on a statewide crusade to protest. He is protesting the upcoming unisex bathroom law. He thinks the whole idea is asinine and so he’s driving up and down the state, stopping at every public bathroom, walking into the ladies restroom, lifting and leaving every toilet seat up. He says it’s going well despite the fact that he is suffering severe dehydration.

Now for our promise to put Newcastle on the map. As some of you may remember, several years ago Newcastle, with the Traveler and I in command, decided the Newcastle Army was to approach from the South, seep through Ophir, drive onto Old Town, occupy Bootleggers and from there take over City Hall. We could have kicked out the sitting council, placed ourselves in charge and provided Auburn with the steady, wise leadership it so badly needed. But alas, it was not to be. We were repelled again and again at the walls of Ophir by Monroe “Mad Dog” DeJarnette heavily armed with buckeyes and over ripe persimmons he was able to deliver with deadly accuracy. But perhaps opportunity knocks once again.

As may of us know, we in the North state are abysmally under represented in State Legislature. The upper 20 or 22 counties have a total of 9 representatives while the remainder of the 120 represents Los Angeles, San Francisco and Sacramento. Is it any wonder why we are being treated like redheaded orphans? There is currently a movement afoot to call for a “CalExit” succession from the Union. Oh Skippy yay! When one considers our out-of-balance representation an independent sanctuary nation-state with a wide-open California-Mexico border does not make us feel warm and fuzzy. There is also a movement to create the 51st State AKA the State of Jefferson, which the Boards of Supervisors of all the Northern counties except Del Norte and Humboldt have voted to support. At least as a state we would have our own representatives.

We have another option. Now is time for Newcastle to strike while the iron is hot. Amidst all the chaos and confusion we could declare ourselves an independent and sovereign Nation-State. We have everything we need. We have a bank, a pizza parlor, a hairdresser, a Post Office and we are building a firehouse. What the hell else do we need? Just think about it folks. We could build a great big beautiful border wall, or bullet train to Happy Camp with impunity. If you want more info on how to make Newcastle great again call the Traveler at 530 320-6441 or if you like that Jefferson thing contact